Cad é “cárta glaonna” do chaidrimh?

Our “I” has many facets. We can be both confident and artistic, jealous and affectionate, calm and sarcastic. Growing up, we understand that certain aspects of our “I” attract the attention of others more. And that is why we tend to develop, include them in our “visiting card”. Especially when it comes to important relationships for us. And we use this card all our lives when we need to make a first impression on someone we like, says family therapist Assael Romanelli.

Tá analaí le cruinniú gnó foirfe: nuair a bhuailimid le comhpháirtithe gnó, taispeánaimid ár gcártaí gnó pearsanta dóibh gan aithne, agus taispeánann siad a gcuid cártaí. Agus ní leanfaidh an caidreamh ar aghaidh ach amháin más maith linn an méid a chonaic muid.

Thus, emphasizes Romanelli, we attract into our lives those whose “business cards” suit ours. That is, those who find it easy to contact precisely with people like us. If your “business card” says that you are a shy person, you will easily find a common language with someone who is good at finding a common language with shy people. Perhaps his card shows that he is a “teacher”, “leader” or “parent”.

Deiseanna teoranta

At first glance, this strategy seems convenient. But it has a significant drawback. It often happens that over and over again you get to know and enter into relationships with different “variations on a theme” of the same person. This is exactly the case when “all three husbands are like a blueprint” or “all my girlfriends love to complain.” That is, your opportunities are simply limited to the patterns of behavior that you are used to demonstrating.

An bhfuil do chárta buailte?

Oddly enough, but a universal set of qualities that would fit in all situations without exception does not exist. Staying flexible, using multiple “calling cards” at the same time is a much more profitable strategy. In many ways, our personal “business cards” work like “glasses” through which we look at the world. They reflect our beliefs and attract to us people similar to ours or the type that suits us.

But if you want something fundamentally different to appear in your life, you should change your optics! What do I need to do? Here are a few steps that Assael Romanelli developed. If you have a partner, include him in the process of creating a new “business card”.

• Figure out what the “calling card” of your relationship looks like at the moment. Identify five positive qualities of this business card – how it is useful for your connection.
• Let your partner read this material and ask if he knows what your “calling card” is in a relationship. If you yourself cannot recognize it, let your loved one help.
• Describe on paper two of your own business cards that you use in a relationship. Show them to your partner and try to talk to him about these cards. When and under what circumstances did they appear? What do you gain by using them – and what do you miss out on?
• Ask your loved one to tell you about how he sees his main “calling card” of the relationship. Often there is a certain connection between the “business cards” of two people, they form pairs of the form “parent/child”, “teacher/student”, “leader/slave”, “weak/strong”, and so on.
• Ask yourself: what aspects do you miss in “business cards”? Each of us has a large store of different strategies and feelings. But some of them belong to that part of us which in psychoanalysis is called the Shadow. These are manifestations that for some reason we reject, consider unworthy. A passionate lover can “live” inside a modest person, and someone who wants to relax and receive caresses can “live” inside an active figure. And we can use these manifestations when compiling new “business cards”.
• Use new business cards in your relationship. By doing this, you showcase the shadow aspects of your personality – and you might like that.

Don’t be surprised if your partner resists changes in your behavior. This is normal: you are changing the system itself! He will probably try to return everything “as it was”, because this is a familiar and understandable story. And yet, by developing new qualities in yourself, you help him discover new sides of himself. Come up with new “calling cards”: this way you will make your life richer and more interesting, and you will also be able to discover new facets in existing relationships.