Clár ábhair
Despite the ideas of feminism, women are still afraid to be alone, without a family and a loving person. Yes, and men are afraid of the same thing, they just talk about it less often, says sociologist and writer Deborah Carr. How to deal with the disturbing feeling of loneliness and stop treating marriage as the only sure way to become happy?
Once on the plane, two young women turned out to be my fellow travelers, who made me their unwitting confidant, discussing the details of my personal life quite loudly and emotionally. From their conversation, I learned that both are now dating young people and have high hopes for this relationship. As they shared their stories from the past, it became clear How long pain they had to endure: “I thought we were together, we are a couple, and then my friend sent me his account on a dating site, where he, in his own words, “I was looking for love”, “When I found out that he was married, I didn’t believe at first”, “I still don’t understand why that person stopped calling me after three wonderful dates.”
It would seem that nothing new — generations of men and women suffer from unrequited love, feelings of incomprehensibility and loneliness, from the fact that they are left in the most rude way, without honoring an explanation and farewell words. As I understood, both women had close friends, loving relatives and successful careers. However, it was obvious — in their view, a truly complete life is identified with romantic relationships and further marriage. The phenomenon is not new.
With age, we are ready to look at each other more carefully, deeper, which means that the chance to meet “our” person increases.
The cult series «Sex and the City» clearly demonstrated the emotional suffering and discomfort of women who, it would seem, have everything … except for successful relationships. And this applies not only to women — the desire to find an understanding, supportive and loving soul mate also occupies a leading position in the list of male innermost desires. It’s just that men don’t voice it so frankly. I wanted to offer some comfort to these young women whose ideas of happiness and fulfillment were so closely linked to the question, “Why doesn’t he love me?” and “Will I get married?”. I think I could encourage my young fellow travelers by offering them a slightly different perspective on the problem that worries them.
The chances that you will meet your partner are high
We are often alarmed by the number of single people. However, we do not take into account that only those who are officially married fall under the gap statistics. And her figure should not be misleading. For example, the ratio of those who marry between the ages of 25 and 34 has decreased, but this does not mean at all that people remain single. It’s just that a huge percentage concludes an official union after 40 or even 50 years, and many do not legalize their relationship and statistics consider them lonely, although in fact these people have happy families.
Our expectations are changing and that’s good.
Our expectations for a loved one and the very approach to his choice is changing. One of my young fellow travelers spoke enthusiastically about one of her admirers. From the way she described him, his main virtues were obvious — athletic build and blue eyes. There is no doubt that young male passengers, if they happened to speak on the same topic, would also note, first of all, the external merits of potential partners. This is partly due to the standards imposed on us, including in relation to appearance. With age, we become more independent and ready to look at each other more carefully, deeper. Then the appearance of the partner fades into the background. A sense of humor, kindness, and the ability to empathize come first. So, the chance to meet a truly “own” person increases.
A significant percentage of people who are married admit that if they had to choose now, they would not make a choice in favor of a partner.
Love is not a competition of the best of the best
Sometimes, out of the best of intentions, our friends say: “How unfair that you, such a beauty and clever girl, are still alone.” And it begins to seem that we must possess some special qualities in order to attract love. And since we are alone, it means that we do something or look wrong. Finding a partner is not about choosing a car or a job, although dating sites suggest these associations. After all, we are looking for a person, not a set of qualities. Ask couples who have been living together for a long time what is so dear to them in a partner, and they will not tell you about a high salary or an excellent figure, but will remember common interests, experienced and shared joys and sorrows, a sense of trust. And many will not touch on specific qualities and will say: «This is just my person.»
Marriage is not a cure for problems
Marriage can give us emotional, psychological, and social benefits. However, this is only potentially possible, and does not mean at all that we will enjoy these positive aspects. Only truly close, deep and trusting relationships in which we see an independent person in a partner make us happy. People in such unions really feel healthier and live longer. But if it does not add up, everything happens exactly the opposite. Studies show that a significant percentage of people who have been married for more than ten years admit that if they had to choose now, they would not make a choice in favor of a partner and would not start a family with him. Because they don’t feel an emotional connection. At the same time, a friend or relative with whom you can share intimate experiences may turn out to be a much closer person than a partner.