“Breabann an t-iarfhear céile na leanaí. Cad atá le déanamh?"

«Man-holiday» and «man-everyday»

Yulia Zakharova, síceolaí cognaíocha:

Once, from a divorced man, I heard the words: “my former children.” It is sad, but, unfortunately, the imperfection of the legislation still allows men to consider their children «former»: not to participate in education, not to help financially.

Svetlana, déanaim comhbhrón leat i ndáiríre: is mór an trua go bhfuil do fhear céile i measc aithreacha mífhreagracha den sórt sin. Tá sé fíor-éagórach gur ortsa amháin a luíonn gach cruatan a bhaineann le tógáil leanaí. Tá beirt mhac agam, agus tá a fhios agam go díreach go bhfuil sé deacair leanaí a thógáil. Tógann sé go leor ama, éilíonn sé iarracht agus airgead. Is aoibheann liom do sheasmhacht.

You ask, «How can I compete with his money?» It is difficult for me to answer your question: it is not clear how, from your point of view, the victory of a person over money looks like, what it consists of. I will assume that you are more likely to compete with your husband, and not with his money. And, again, I want to ask you: what is the gain? When it comes to children, the payoff usually lies in raising them healthy: physically, mentally, morally. Husband’s money spent on holidays does not create obstacles for you here.

I understand your resentment. The husband chose the role of “holiday person”, and you got the role of “everyday person”. It is difficult for you to compete with him — everyone loves holidays. I imagine how delighted your children are from his visits. Surely they often recall these events, and every time it is painful and unpleasant for you to hear about them. You want your daily motherhood to be fairly valued.

Titeann tógáil an linbh, tinnis óige, toirmisc, costais airgeadais, easpa ama saor ar do sciar. Ach conas a mhíníonn tú é seo do na páistí? Ní insíonn tú do leanbh trí bliana d'aois go n-infheistíonn an mháthair go díréireach níos mó ná an t-athair. Agus an bhfuil sé riachtanach?

Children think in simple categories: does not allow to indulge — angry, brought gifts — kind. While children are small, it is difficult for them to understand what mother’s love and real care are. For them, it is as natural as air. Understanding the maternal feat comes later, usually when they themselves become parents. Someday, time will put everything in its place.

Lean ort ag comhrá

Is dóigh liom go bhfuil iarracht déanta agat cheana féin a mhíniú do d'fhear céile nach bhfuil gníomhartha aonuaire de dhíth ort, ach cúnamh agus tacaíocht leanúnach, lena n-áirítear airgeadais. Glacaim leis go dtí go mbuaileann sé leat leath bealaigh agus ar chúis éigin nach bhfuil an deis agat na saincheisteanna seo a réiteach go dleathach. Tarlaíonn sé go ndéanann mná as an éadóchas iarracht iar-fhir chéile a phionósú agus cosc ​​​​a chur orthu a gcuid leanaí a fheiceáil. Tá áthas orm nár roghnaigh tú an cosán seo! Sílim go príomha mar gheall ar an imní do leanaí.

Is maith an rud é maidir le laethanta saoire, chomh fada agus a théann tú ar aghaidh ó chúinsí sochair do leanaí. Tá sé tábhachtach go mbeadh a fhios ag leanaí go bhfuil ní hamháin máthair acu, ach freisin athair, fiú más “duine saoire” a thagann cúpla uair sa bhliain. Feiceann siad é, glacann siad le bronntanais agus laethanta saoire le haghaidh grá agus rejoice. Tá sé níos fearr ná rud ar bith.

Yes, of all the hardships and worries, he chose the simplest and most rewarding thing — to arrange holidays for children. You have an idea: offer your husband to spend less on holidays. Why do you want to control his expenses? Maybe you hope that then he will give you the difference in current expenses? Perhaps he will not justify your hopes and will generally stop arranging holidays, and even appearing in your life. Then you will punish not him, but your children. Is this what you want?

Tá áthas na leanaí níos tábhachtaí ná maslaí

It’s not easy, but try to thank your husband for these infrequent holidays. Maybe this will be an incentive for him to arrange them more often. Children are happy, they communicate with their father — and this is more important than resentment. It would be good for children if he appeared, albeit not so spectacularly, but more regularly and more often. This would give you time to rest. Try to talk about this with your ex-husband, perhaps he will listen to your request.

Your husband refuses not only the worries and financial expenses, but also the joy of being a parent. Every day to see how kids grow, change, come up with new words, how funny stories happen to them — this cannot be bought for any money.

Is mór an trua go gcuireann na tascanna laethúla a dhéanann tú i d’aonar uaireanta an-áthas ar mháithreachas. Ach tá sé fós ann, ceart?